Love stood about 5’6″ in her dancing shoes, had curves in all the right places, an innocent-girl smile, and nothing but the sweetest of intentions.

The downside was that she wasn’t always the sharpest knife in the drawer, and in the club environment, it made it more difficult for her to be able to effectively use her assets for financial gain.

You may feel that the critique is harsh, and that’s ok.

 

It is harsh, but it’s the truth. I assure you, I’m not exaggerating even a little.

For example, this compassionate girl made the decision to invite a homeless man to sleep on her couch at her apartment and she didn’t really know much about him and you guessed it: she was living by herself.

No matter how noble the gesture, I’m sure you can see why this wasn’t the smartest decision.

The repayment for her kindness was the disappearance of her belongings at the hands of this guy aided by an equally deplorable friend of his while she was out one day.

 

Upon hearing of the matter, I asked,

“Jesus Love…Why on earth didn’t you call the police?”

“I’m not a rat and they are getting most of it back to me cheap.”

She replied, with an uncompromising look in her eye.

 

As I stood there dumbfounded, I mustered what words I could.

“Love, you are some kind of special.”

 

She was given the opportunity to reclaim her belongings and, I do believe she indeed received a great ransom price from the thieves but, that’s for another story…

 

So Love had been working at the club for about two weeks when she started to become frustrated.

While the other entertainers she worked with were thriving, her financial earnings weren’t adding up to what she wanted.

The next morning, while out at the local Cracker Barrel, I discussed Love’s issue over breakfast with a confidant of mine trying to brainstorm a solution.

The topic was quite perplexing for us.

She was very attractive, and what she lacked in the smarts department, she more than made up for in her outgoing nature and naive charm. Unfortunately, the discussion did not

yield any breakthroughs before our meal was finished.

 

After breakfast, we took a moment to walk around the “Old Country Store” before checkout. A place is filled with a large collection of useless and nostalgic shit that someone might want for their home after they finally get their AARP card.

In addition to all that bullshit, they have copious amounts of hard to find candy and other treats, just waiting there for all of their patrons who find themselves lacking in impulse control, like me.

As I was staring at the candy, my eyes glazed over, and suddenly I had one of my rare, but reliable moments of genius.

I had it! The solution to her problems!

With tremendous enthusiasm, I grabbed what I needed, ran to the counter like a literal kid in a candy store, and made my purchase.

 

My anticipation was building as I arrived at the club.

The night was beginning to show signs of a busy Friday, which was perfect for testing my idea for Love’s predicament.

 

A little while later, she emerged from the dressing room.

I immediately started in on my idea.

 

“Hey Love, tonight is a very special night.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, I brought you a gift that I feel will solve your earning dilemma.”

“Really???”

 

Her eyes widened with excitement.

I continued,

 

“Hold on! There’s a catch, though.”

“Ugh, what now?”

“In order for this to work, you must follow my exact instructions.”

 

She looked at me skeptically,

“Okay…”

 

I started in again,

“Love, seriously…follow my instructions to a T. I need you to promise me or it’s not going to work, and we both want it to work…right?”

“Ok, ok. I will. I promise.”, she said with some renewed enthusiasm.

 

And with that, I reached into my bag behind the bar and pulled out the solution I had found: a giant, flat lollipop with pink and white swirls.

Pink was her favorite color, so naturally it matched her outfit and her makeup.

 

“What the fuck!?!”, she said with agitation in her voice.

“Love, you are going to spend the rest of the night attempting to finish this lollipop.

 

She reached out for it, and I pulled away.

 

“Ah-ah. There’s more. No matter how you consume it, you may not bite or break any part of it. When you go on stage or do any dances, you bring it to the bar and I’ll keep it standing upright. Once you’re back, it’s back to business. Lick, lick, lick.”

“But–“

“Love! Are you earning what you want right now?”

“No.”, she pouted.

“Didn’t you ask for my help?”

“Yes…”

“Then this is it. This is my help. You have nothing to lose by trusting me, right?”

“I guess.”

 

She’s promised now, so I hand her the lollipop.

“Good. Now go out there and bless my guests with your presence.”

 

The realization that she would need to finish that lollipop before the end of the night must have begun to register with her. As she made her way onto the floor to go sit with her first guest, she just started attacking that thing like Bambi on a salt lick.

Now, I’ll admit, this was a very superficial prop, and I don’t need to bring up the risque implications. You already did that on your own.

But I assure you that this was not my main intention.

 

You see, for all of the positive attributes that she possessed, she had a huge issue with talking. As in, she did way too much of it. Moreover, most of what she talked about was mind-numbingly surface level.

And to make matters worse, she had a habit of droning on for-fucking-ever without giving the other person a chance to speak. That’s a huge turn off for most humans.

Even in a gentlemen’s club, the clientele have their limits.

I realized that this was the most prominent issue that was putting her into a predicament. And let’s be honest, telling someone who exhibits that type of behavior not to talk so much will usually result in some colorful form of fuck you.

By introducing an item such as this and presenting it with a challenge where fulfilling it would require a certain level of attention, it reduced her from talking as much, and gave the guest a chance to talk about their interests and allow for more of the fantasy to take shape for them.

Lick, lick, lick.

 

Within 15 minutes of leaving the bar with her lollipop in hand, she was getting her first dance.

After that, every 20 minutes or so, she was back at the bar for yet another dance.

I should also mention that the guests were speaking very highly of her for the first time ever.

 

The expression, “silence is golden” had never been more true for Love, and on that night, it was a whole lotta dollar signs.

As for me, this was, hands-down, one of the funniest experiences in the club where I wasn’t attempting to play a prank on someone. It has remained a crowd pleaser since the night it took place and will continue to be a “go-to”, especially during my inevitable interview with Oprah…

 

We’ll sit across from each other in the studio, amidst the lights and cameras. She will signal that we are ready to begin and I will meet that gesture with a polite smile. Then she’ll ask if I could share a story from my experiences.

I’ll take a deep breath, clear my throat, smile and say…

 

“Let me tell you about the Story of Love…”